(week 27). eating my feelings (a setback).

I’ve temporarily lost my positivity. At least, I hope it’s a temporary loss. It’s weird how it seemingly came out of nowhere. (Or did it?)

A few weeks ago, my hair started coming out. Not in small amounts, either.

Oy. Of course it didn’t stop there. The ordinary (and not so ordinary) stresses started piling up, and before I knew it, I felt like I couldn’t handle anything.

When I started to stress out, I found myself reaching for a snack. Of course I didn’t count the points… it was a Red Vine here, or a few Doritos there… before I knew it, a small stash had formed in my bedside table.

I finally went to the doctor last week, and we ran a battery of tests. Anemia, thyroid, you name it, we looked into it.

Those tests came back today, and everything was “normal”. Of course, I was re-diagnosed with post-partem depression and anxiety. I’ve had bouts with both in the past, and neither has ever been as intense or as seemingly hopeless as it is now. It’s as if there are two parts to me; one that is overseeing things, trying to tell me how to make it through, while the other is actually living it, unable to hear what’s being said. It’s just such a disconnected feeling.

The doctor said that because I’m a naturally happy person, I feel the need to be “on” for everyone else, all the time, and I don’t let myself have bad days. I’ve now reached the point where I can’t turn myself back “on”.

I’m listless and tired, which is no good when you’re trying to motivate yourself to work out. (Wait, what’s motivation?!)

I don’t want to weigh in tomorrow, I’ll be honest. I don’t want to know what the scale says. I don’t want to see how the snuck snacks affect my scale numbers. But I need to. It may bring me down, but hopefully it helps wake me up. There are so many reasons that I started losing weight, and I can’t lose sight of it. I can’t let myself continue down the path of depression.

Not to make light of this, but I’m reminded of something from How I Met Your Mother: “I’m never sick. When I feel myself getting sick, I just become awesome instead.” That’s what I need to do. I need to find my “awesome”.

Oh, and about the hair thing: because the tests came back normal, it’s likely that it’s stress-related. According to Dr. D, if you count back about 3 months, you’ll find your stressor. For me, it was my son going into the hospital. Makes total sense…

Have you dealt with anxiety or depression? How did you get through it?

relapse.

you know how most job sites have those "accident free since ..." signs? well, this site needs one, too.

"binge-free since april 2nd."

i was doing so well with everything ... until yesterday.

first of all, i didn't make it to the gym (my mouth was in serious pain, and i just couldn't make it. totally understandable, but personally disappointing)

secondly, my mom had made alex and i some DELICIOUS little muffins to bring home last week. in my favorite flavor: cranberry.

throughout the day, i had seven. SEVEN!

oh, emotional eating, you got me again!

*NOTE: i only ate two fat-free yogurts, a small salad and a fresco burrito, but that doesn't matter. it was the act of eating without knowing or recognizing my limits.*

why?!

i miss my dog. i'm tired. i'm overwhelmed by our messy apartment. i had to go to the dentist. i was in pain.

i'm not excusing my behavior, but recognizing it so i can move on. i had a fabulously delicious cheat, and despite how mad i am at myself, i just need to move on.

i can fail. i can succeed. the choice is my own.

today, i continue to choose success, even in the midst of my stumbles.

i can't let this get me down!

emotional eating: an epidemic

i’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again:

“my name is jen, and i’m an emotional eater.”

thinking back now, i’ve been dealing with emotional eating for almost ten years. life transitions like moving, my parent’s divorce (hi mom and dad, this is not me blaming you for anything, it’s just something i’ve dealt with), going off to college, getting a job, and yes, even getting married (love you, sweetie) have impacted my thoughts toward food (or lack thereof).

we fill the void whenever we’re depressed, bored, lonely, angry, anxious, frustrated or stressed. we eat just because we can, not necessarily because we need to.

experts estimate that 75% of overeating is caused by emotions.

lol, i’m a statistic.

according to theotherjournal.com, “emotional eating is a very distressing and common problem in America. it affects far more Americans than the more extensively researched eating disorders of anorexia and bulimia. because of the social stigma Americans attach to being overweight and the highly-prized super-thin body, many are ashamed of their emotional eating behaviors and keep them secret. others have engaged in such behaviors for so long that it begins to feel normal.”

a month ago, my erratic eating habits DID feel normal. now, it takes everything i have to NOT succumb to to the pangs.

here are a few tips that have helped me, courtesy of mayoclinic.com:

• learn to recognize true hunger. is your hunger physical or emotional? if you ate just a few hours ago and don't have a rumbling stomach, you're probably not really hungry. give the craving a few minutes to pass.

•know your triggers. for the next several days, write down what you eat, how much you eat, when you eat, how you're feeling when you eat and how hungry you are. over time, you may see patterns emerge that reveal negative eating patterns and triggers to avoid.

• look elsewhere for comfort. instead of unwrapping a candy bar, take a walk, treat yourself to a movie, listen to music, read or call a friend. if you think that stress relating to a particular event is nudging you toward the refrigerator, try talking to someone about it to distract yourself. plan enjoyable events for yourself.

• don't keep unhealthy foods around. avoid having an abundance of high-calorie comfort foods in the house. if you feel hungry or blue, postpone the shopping trip for a few hours so that these feelings don't influence your decisions at the store.

• snack healthy. if you feel the urge to eat between meals, choose a low-fat, low-calorie food, such as fresh fruit, vegetables with fat-free dip or unbuttered popcorn. or test low-fat, lower calorie versions of your favorite foods to see if they satisfy your craving.

• eat a balanced diet. if you're not getting enough calories to meet your energy needs, you may be more likely to give in to emotional eating. try to eat at fairly regular times and don't skip breakfast. include foods from the basic groups in your meals. emphasize whole grains, vegetables and fruits, as well as low-fat dairy products and lean protein sources. when you fill up on the basics, you're more likely to feel fuller, longer.

exercise regularly and get adequate rest. your mood is more manageable and your body can more effectively fight stress when it's fit and well rested.

innerself.com has a great chart discerning the difference between emotional and physical hunger.



and here’s a really great quiz via psychologytoday.com that assesses your eating habits. i was pleasantly surprised about my results:

i wonder what it would have been a month ago?

what should you take from this? re-evaluate your eating habits; you may be surprised what you find. you could be one of the many swept up in this eating epidemic.

clawing my way through ...

i think i'm at a critical point in the overhaul. i've been doing this just long enough to see a difference in myself, as well as really getting used to the "new" foods and exercise.

the downside is that i find part of me trying to persuade the other part of me to cheat.

"it's just one soda, it won't hurt," i say. "no one's home, and no one would know..."

"and what about those cookies? you know you want one."

the rational side of me knows that one could turn into many, if i'm not careful. thankfully, that side of me won. operation: cheat thwarted.

lol, i feel like i'm in an overeater anonymous meeting:

"hi, my name is jen, and i'm an emotional eater.

it's a hard thing to admit, but i'm slowly coming to terms with that. i'm also working on curbing my anxious tendencies to reach for food when i get sad/mad/overwhelmed.

today, i just wanted to sit down with a bag of apple-os (or cookies, or soda, or ice cream ...) and make my frustrations go away. so far, i've downed about 50-oz. of lipton's white tea to go instead.

it's getting harder, you guys. these are the bad days i told you about.

the dog is in for another surgery, it's costing hundreds more than we were told, and to top it all off, i lost my keys.

(thankfully, alex found them under a stack of mail this afternoon, but still.)

anyone else have these kinds of struggles? any words of wisdom you can impart?