(week 27). eating my feelings (a setback).

I’ve temporarily lost my positivity. At least, I hope it’s a temporary loss. It’s weird how it seemingly came out of nowhere. (Or did it?)

A few weeks ago, my hair started coming out. Not in small amounts, either.

Oy. Of course it didn’t stop there. The ordinary (and not so ordinary) stresses started piling up, and before I knew it, I felt like I couldn’t handle anything.

When I started to stress out, I found myself reaching for a snack. Of course I didn’t count the points… it was a Red Vine here, or a few Doritos there… before I knew it, a small stash had formed in my bedside table.

I finally went to the doctor last week, and we ran a battery of tests. Anemia, thyroid, you name it, we looked into it.

Those tests came back today, and everything was “normal”. Of course, I was re-diagnosed with post-partem depression and anxiety. I’ve had bouts with both in the past, and neither has ever been as intense or as seemingly hopeless as it is now. It’s as if there are two parts to me; one that is overseeing things, trying to tell me how to make it through, while the other is actually living it, unable to hear what’s being said. It’s just such a disconnected feeling.

The doctor said that because I’m a naturally happy person, I feel the need to be “on” for everyone else, all the time, and I don’t let myself have bad days. I’ve now reached the point where I can’t turn myself back “on”.

I’m listless and tired, which is no good when you’re trying to motivate yourself to work out. (Wait, what’s motivation?!)

I don’t want to weigh in tomorrow, I’ll be honest. I don’t want to know what the scale says. I don’t want to see how the snuck snacks affect my scale numbers. But I need to. It may bring me down, but hopefully it helps wake me up. There are so many reasons that I started losing weight, and I can’t lose sight of it. I can’t let myself continue down the path of depression.

Not to make light of this, but I’m reminded of something from How I Met Your Mother: “I’m never sick. When I feel myself getting sick, I just become awesome instead.” That’s what I need to do. I need to find my “awesome”.

Oh, and about the hair thing: because the tests came back normal, it’s likely that it’s stress-related. According to Dr. D, if you count back about 3 months, you’ll find your stressor. For me, it was my son going into the hospital. Makes total sense…

Have you dealt with anxiety or depression? How did you get through it?

are we there yet?

dear caffeine,

i'm breaking up with you. i'm sorry to do it so suddenly, but it's for our own good. please believe me when i say this: it's not you, it's me. i just couldn't handle your yummy-ness for another day.

i will always remember the good times, like the delectable cherry dr. pepper from sonic, or cherry cokes at my 8th birthday party. remember those root beer floats at parties, or diet pepsi at lunch? i know i do.

you'll go on without me. there are so many other people out there, waiting for everything you have to offer.

love,
me

p.s. WHY am i doing this again?



... oh yeah. it turns out that a lot of my health issues could be stemming from my daily "inhalation" of these tasty beverages (and chocolate).

according to health.org, while many people feel that caffeine increases their mental alertness, higher doses of caffeine can cause anxiety, dizziness, headaches, heart palpitations, ulcers, acid reflux, muscle twitching and the jitters. it can also interfere with normal sleep.

i'm particularly concerned about this little tidbit: "caffeine may also cause the body to lose calcium, and that can lead to bone loss over time. drinking caffeine-containing soft drinks and coffee instead of milk can have an even greater impact on bone density and the risk of developing osteoporosis. if you are stressed or anxious, caffeine can make these feelings worse."

well, it's a good thing i'm stopping, right?

maybe the anxiety will finally come down a few notches?!

it doesn't feel like it.

five full days "sober", and i feel like crap. i'm still waiting for my body to reset.

i quit cold turkey. i really don't recommend that method. every day is a crash for me.

according to wikipedia, a "caffeine crash" will cause headaches, nausea, fatigue and drowsiness. it will also cause anxiety, irritability, inability to concentrate and diminished motivation to initiate or complete daily tasks. in extreme cases it may cause mild depression." seriously? i should have just stayed on the wagon!

you know what? even with all that, i'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. we're going to get there after all.