(week 27). eating my feelings (a setback).

I’ve temporarily lost my positivity. At least, I hope it’s a temporary loss. It’s weird how it seemingly came out of nowhere. (Or did it?)

A few weeks ago, my hair started coming out. Not in small amounts, either.

Oy. Of course it didn’t stop there. The ordinary (and not so ordinary) stresses started piling up, and before I knew it, I felt like I couldn’t handle anything.

When I started to stress out, I found myself reaching for a snack. Of course I didn’t count the points… it was a Red Vine here, or a few Doritos there… before I knew it, a small stash had formed in my bedside table.

I finally went to the doctor last week, and we ran a battery of tests. Anemia, thyroid, you name it, we looked into it.

Those tests came back today, and everything was “normal”. Of course, I was re-diagnosed with post-partem depression and anxiety. I’ve had bouts with both in the past, and neither has ever been as intense or as seemingly hopeless as it is now. It’s as if there are two parts to me; one that is overseeing things, trying to tell me how to make it through, while the other is actually living it, unable to hear what’s being said. It’s just such a disconnected feeling.

The doctor said that because I’m a naturally happy person, I feel the need to be “on” for everyone else, all the time, and I don’t let myself have bad days. I’ve now reached the point where I can’t turn myself back “on”.

I’m listless and tired, which is no good when you’re trying to motivate yourself to work out. (Wait, what’s motivation?!)

I don’t want to weigh in tomorrow, I’ll be honest. I don’t want to know what the scale says. I don’t want to see how the snuck snacks affect my scale numbers. But I need to. It may bring me down, but hopefully it helps wake me up. There are so many reasons that I started losing weight, and I can’t lose sight of it. I can’t let myself continue down the path of depression.

Not to make light of this, but I’m reminded of something from How I Met Your Mother: “I’m never sick. When I feel myself getting sick, I just become awesome instead.” That’s what I need to do. I need to find my “awesome”.

Oh, and about the hair thing: because the tests came back normal, it’s likely that it’s stress-related. According to Dr. D, if you count back about 3 months, you’ll find your stressor. For me, it was my son going into the hospital. Makes total sense…

Have you dealt with anxiety or depression? How did you get through it?

(week 13). make progress or make excuses.

The title of my blog is a quote we were left with in today’s WW meeting. According to my leader, she heard it from a Real Estate guru (who’s name escaped her, sorry), but felt that it applies to weight loss. I absolutely agree. I find it encapsulates my journey. Basically, “put up or shut up”... “try or fail”. I’m in this to make progress, and I need to work on not making excuses about my faults. BUT, without an excuse or two, I wouldn’t have a blog, so…

After the past two weeks I’ve had, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was down another 2.6 pounds! (Please know, I did NOT weigh in last week)

After the last weigh-in, I was very focused on the plan. Then Noah got sick. It happened so fast, that it was hard to focus on anything else BUT him (as it should be). He was diagnosed with RSV and pneumonia, and we were admitted to the hospital for a few days (read about it here: http://mamabare.blogspot.com/2011/01/week-from-hell.html).

Now, kids, for what you SHOULDN’T DO on WW. NOTE: while I ultimately had a very successful weigh in, don’t follow this. Basically, “do what I say, not what I do”, got it?

I didn’t count at all. I tried to keep track of SOME things in my head, but for the most part, I said eff it. I managed my portions by sight, and I can tell you now that some were waaaaay off. There was a day or two where I just couldn’t eat, then I found myself wanting to snack on everything! Swedish Fish, Doritos, Crackers, Popcorn, Cookies… if it was in front of me, I wanted it in. my. belly.

I’m sure the stress of it all did a number on me, and I need to work harder on doing this the right way ALL THE TIME.

*end of the bad junk. time to tune back in*

Alex and I are talking about joining a gym, and have it narrowed down to two. We are looking for CHEAP, with child care and exercise equipment, of course… other than that, we don’t really care. Otherwise, I’ll step up my activity level with more walking and the wii. It sounds silly, but playing the wii for even 15 minutes a day can really get you moving!

I love getting messages from all of you, talking about your own experiences with weight loss or WW, so keep them coming! We can all learn from one another! That’s why I’m blogging about this now; it is not only keeping myself accountable, but it’s sharing tips with all of you, and hopefully motivating you to get healthy!